January 7, 2009

Love and Marriage


This is one of my favorite things I've written.

Portrait of my Cat as my Husband

If Gus and I were to get married, we would shit in a box and drink out of the toilet. We would never have to wear clothes. We wouldn’t be cold though, because we could always turn the heat up. We would sit by the vents all day, licking ourselves clean. We would be very clean. If I was married to Gus I would never have to cook. Our people would bring us food. We would eat lots of chicken flavored Iams. If I was married to Gus we would never go outside. We’d have no need to go outside. We would chase flies around the living room. Sometimes we would chase imaginary flies. Gus and I would sleep like spoons in my bed. Gus and I do that anyway, but if we were married, it would be ok. Gus and I would not have any children though. Gus is neutered. If I was married to Gus we would spend a lot of time with his brother, Z. I would not let Z sit on my lap though. If I was a married women, that would be improper. Gus and I would not need money. We would not need to buy anything, so we would not need to work. We would not do anything really. Sometimes people would visit us, and we would sit on their laps and hope they would pet us. We would sit on people especially when they didn’t want us to. Gus and I would be very happy.

3 comments:

flightless_bird said...

i know you already know that i love this, but i'm telling you again: I LOVE THIS. especially the part about you two sleeping like spoons and not sitting in z's lap.
gus is so cute. even though he's slightly terrifying and made me sneeze a lot and made my eyes red...your cats are so snuggly! i understand why you'd want to marry one of them.

have you ever considered a three-way marriage?

Aziza said...

That is the best post I've read in a looong while!

WendyB said...

High!Larious!